Hyper Independent by Necessity, Not by Choice

This week I have been reflecting on something I hear a lot of negativity about. Extremely independent, strong women, hyper independent women, as if it is something bad. This is not by old school standards. This is by new school standards. I am a strong, hyper independent wahine because I have had no choice. People have asked me, “Why do you always have to be the boss? Why do you always have to take control?” The truth is, I was raised by strong women. My dad was the patriarch and the kaumātua, but at home Mum was the boss. My other mum was a single parent and she was the boss too. Both were leaders. Both made the big calls.

So it is no surprise I became independent. I also learned early that I could not always truly rely on anyone to have my back. Even though I knew my parents loved me, I knew I was on my own in making things happen. Dad was busy serving the community and my mum was living with Alzheimer’s. From 16 years old, I was doing everything myself. If I wanted to go to the ball, I found the money, organised my outfit, sorted my own ride, and made it happen.

Of course my family helped with the normal stuff, but everything else I did for myself. As a mother now, my daughter will not have to do any of that alone. I will be there right beside her all along the way. When I went to uni straight out of high school, I applied for a student loan or allowance, found my own flat, and lived by myself. I worked six jobs to pay for it while studying 40 hours a week for 9 years. I filled out the forms, turned up for auditions, signed myself up, and made it happen. Nothing in my life was ever handed to me. Everything I have ever wanted including travel, homes, and business, I had to make happen myself. I had to learn to depend on me. I had to provide my own consistency.

I have run businesses. I have led teams. When I led in my feminine state, people did not take me seriously, so I learned to lead with more masculine energy while keeping my nurturing approach. As a solo mum, I have carried the weight of making it work no matter what. If a man thinks, “You are too much for me,” then I probably am. But I am grateful for the times a man has stepped up so I could soften, rest, and be in my feminine. Being hyper independent is not about wanting to do it all. It is about having no choice but to do it all.

What I am learning this week is that my strength is not something to apologise for, but it is also not something I always have to carry alone. There is value in being able to do it all, but there is also value in allowing myself to lean on others when it feels right. My independence was born out of necessity, but my growth now is in learning that strength can also look like trust.