Building My Life While I’m Still Becoming Her

I’m going to be honest, this year feels big. Not just “busy” big, but like life is genuinely shifting and I’m trying to keep up with the new version of me that I’m becoming. I’ve had moments lately where I’ve felt out of sorts, not because something is wrong with me, but because I’m in a new phase. It’s like my old way of doing things can’t operate here anymore, but the new version of me isn’t fully settled yet either. So it feels unfamiliar. It feels uncomfortable at times. And if you don’t understand what that is, you can easily start thinking you’re not okay.

But I’ve realised something important. I’m not in trouble. I’m in transition. This is what growth feels like. This is what an identity upgrade feels like.

When you’re building a bigger life, stepping into bigger goals, changing your standards, changing your habits, changing how you lead, changing how you show up, your nervous system has to catch up with that. You’re literally reprogramming yourself. And that can feel intense. You can feel a bit more reactive, a bit more sensitive, a bit more on edge, because you’re carrying a lot and evolving at the same time. I’ve had times where I’ve thought, what is wrong with me, but now I’m like nothing is wrong with me. I’m just stretching into a new identity.

And one thing I’m learning the hard way is that when you’re in a season like this, emotional safety matters more than ever. Because when I’m already stressed and already vulnerable, I don’t need judgement. I don’t need harshness. I don’t need someone coming at me like I’m a problem. I need support. I need understanding. I need an ear. And I had an experience recently where I was already carrying a lot, and instead of being met with softness, I was met with criticism. And that’s where it can go left quickly.

Because when your nervous system is overloaded, you don’t hear “feedback.” You hear “attack.” You don’t hear “a concern.” You hear “you’re failing.” And when you feel attacked while you’re already vulnerable, it’s like something in you switches. You either shut down, or you fight back. And I fought back. I wasn’t proud of it, but I understand why it happened. I wasn’t trying to be dramatic. I wasn’t trying to be toxic. I was trying to protect myself in a moment where I didn’t feel safe.

And this is where it gets deeper. People don’t always understand what it looks like when someone is processing out loud. They think if you’re unpacking your life, you must be falling apart. They think if you’re sharing honestly, it means you’re unstable. But that’s not the truth. For me, processing is part of how I stay healthy. Reflecting is part of how I grow. Unpacking isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom. I’m trying to make sense of my life in real time and I know that’s not everyone’s style, but I also know it helps people. I’ve had enough people tell me that my honesty has helped them feel less alone, and that matters to me.

But I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a cost. Because being open invites external noise. People’s opinions. People’s projections. People misunderstanding you. People assuming the worst. People speaking on your life like they know your heart. And sometimes it feels like I’m trying to build my future while also defending my humanity at the same time.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to move into this year, and how I want to show up. I don’t want to be highly strung. I don’t want to be pressured. I don’t want to build my life from stress. I want to build with joy. I want to be like that viral Jon Hamm clip from Your Friends & Neighbours where he’s in the club with his eyes closed just vibing to 'Turn The Lights Off' by Kato, he's not performing, not forcing, not proving, just present and enjoying the moment. That’s the energy I want. Calm confidence. Focus. Joy. Peace. Not chaos.

Because what is the point of building a successful life if you are miserable while you’re building it. So here’s what I’m doing differently. I’m not going to treat every uncomfortable emotion like something is wrong with me. I’m not going to panic just because I’m in an upgrade season. I’m going to remind myself that transition feels weird, growth feels edgy, and that doesn’t mean I’m failing. It means I’m becoming. And I’m also tightening my boundaries around the kind of energy I allow close to me. I don’t want to be around judgement when I’m vulnerable. I don’t want to be around people who swear at me and tear me down when I’m already trying my best. I’m not perfect, but I am evolving, and I’m protecting that version of myself.

Most importantly, I’m going to keep going. I’m trying to succeed this year. Not just survive it. I’m trying to win. I’m trying to build the life I keep dreaming about. I’m trying to become the version of myself that has discipline, emotional regulation, joy, peace, and results. And I know I’ve got a lot on my plate, but I’m grateful to God because I can feel that even in the pressure, I’m being guided. I’m being strengthened. I’m being shaped.

This is not my breakdown season. This is my build season. And I’m becoming her.