The Reality Behind the Results

When people see what I do they usually see the outcomes. They see the shows, the programmes, the speaking, the leadership, the confidence. They see movement. They see results. What they don’t see is what is constantly going on behind the scenes and what is constantly running through my head just to keep all of this moving.

They don’t see that I often wake up already tired because the mental load is already there before the day even begins. Emails that need replies. Meetings that need confirming. Funding that needs chasing. Proposals that need writing. Reports that need finishing. Decisions that cannot wait. Things that on their own seem small, but together become a constant pressure that doesn’t really switch off.

They don’t see the reality of running Maia Dreams Charitable Trust. The instability of funding. The constant barriers schools and community organisations face to access support, which often means we carry more pressure because we know the work matters and we know it works. The applications. The proposals. The reporting. The accountability. The follow ups. The constant work required just to keep programmes accessible.

They don’t see what it takes to keep the delivery strong. Training facilitators. Supporting facilitators. Finding the right people who can hold the kaupapa properly. Creating structures so the work can grow beyond just me. Trying to build leadership in others while still carrying the overall responsibility.

They don’t see what it feels like when grassroots community work, the kind that actually changes lives, is often the hardest to fund. When the need is obvious but the resources are not. When you are trying to build something meaningful while constantly proving why it deserves to exist.

They don’t see the moments of being discredited or undervalued by people or systems that could help but don’t always understand the depth of what is being carried. They don’t see the emotional discipline it takes to keep showing up professionally when you know how much effort sits behind what you are delivering.

They don’t see the days where I make sure others are paid first because the work and the people matter, even if that sometimes means I am the one who waits. Not as a sacrifice story, just the reality of leadership when you care about sustainability and people at the same time.

They don’t see Wahanui Productions either. The pressure of building creative work while also carrying the operational load. Writing scripts. Developing ideas. Applying to festivals. Applying for residencies. Preparing pitches. Looking for the right opportunities that help the work grow. Negotiating with venues. Confirming dates. Reviewing agreements. Planning tours. Thinking about travel, accommodation and whether the numbers actually make sense.

They don’t see what it takes to find and build the right creative teams. Reaching out. Connecting. Building collaborations. Looking for partnerships that align. Trying to create the right relationships so the work is strong and sustainable.

They don’t see what it means to wear more hats than one person realistically should because when you are building something from the ground up you often are the writer, the producer, the organiser, the marketer, the negotiator, the connector and the problem solver all at once.

They don’t see the hundreds of small things that sit underneath everything. Messages. Contracts. Schedules. Timelines. Marketing posts I know I should be more consistent with. Follow ups. Adjustments. The invisible work that makes the visible work possible.

They don’t see the constant mental switching between community leadership and creative leadership. Between people and process. Between vision and practicality. Sometimes all within the same day, sometimes within the same hour.

They don’t see the financial responsibility sitting quietly underneath everything. Trying to make both the trust and the production company sustainable. Trying to build something that lasts, not just something that looks successful from the outside.

They don’t see trying to hold all of this while still being present as a mum, still honouring my church responsibilities and callings, still trying to grow as a person, still trying to stay disciplined with my health and my faith, still trying to become the best version of myself while managing a workload that is sometimes bigger than my capacity.

They don’t see the pressure of trying to oversee everything well. Trying to lead well. Trying to build well. Trying to honour the responsibilities I have taken on. Trying to do right by the people who trust me.

They don’t see that sometimes I pray for strength and direction and it feels like instead of things becoming easier I am just becoming stronger so I can carry more. Learning resilience instead of receiving relief.

I know I am carrying a lot right now. I also know I am learning. Learning what to hold. Learning what to delegate. Learning what needs better systems. Learning how to build something meaningful without losing myself in the process.

This isn’t complaining. This is just honesty about what it looks like before things look successful.

Because success is rarely just the result people see. Sometimes it is everything that gets carried quietly before anyone ever calls it success.

And right now, I am still in that part.