The Weight of the Vision

Lately I’ve been really aware of how much I’m carrying. Not in a poor me kind of way, just in an honest, this is the season I’m in kind of way.

I’m leading a charitable trust, a small production company, organising and performing in a national and international theatre tour, managing my church calling, overseeing admin and funding applications, running events, creating content for social media, keeping my health on track, making sure I’m present for my daughter, checking in on family and friends, and looking after my two dogs. It’s a lot. And I’m not pretending everything is fine, because it’s not always fine. But I’m here, I’m still standing, and I’m still moving forward.

What I’ve come to realise recently is that I’m not succeeding at the level I need to be, not because I’m incapable, inconsistent, or disorganised, but because I’m in a serious period of growth. I’m pushing through a new ceiling and stepping into a level I’ve never been at before. And the truth is, I’m only at the beginning of this level. The clarity I have now is coming because I pushed myself to this point. If I hadn’t reached this level of pressure, reflection, and discomfort, I wouldn’t have uncovered what I now understand. That alone is a win.

At the same time, I’ve also been realising how hard it is when people don’t fully understand the immensity of what I’m holding. It’s not that I expect them to, but sometimes, a bit of clarity, understanding, and empathy would go a long way. Because I’m not useless. I’m not incapable. It’s not that I can’t be consistent. It’s not any of those things people might assume from the outside. It’s simply that I’m doing too many things at once and trying to do them all well.

I’ve had multiple conversations with friends, professionals, and mentors about what I could let go of, but even they struggle to identify what that is. Everything I’m doing has value. Everything I’m building matters.

Right now, I’ve got about 15 people contracted across various projects and roles. I’m overseeing it all while still learning how to be a better boss and a stronger leader. I’m learning to step back and allow people to carry the tasks they’ve been contracted or employed to do, and to trust that not everything needs to come through me. I’m not trying to micromanage I’m learning how to be in a new space, how to support others to do their jobs well, and how to lead from a higher level.

What people often don’t see is that when you’re the one overseeing everything whether you’re a manager, a boss, or a leader there’s always going to be judgment. People can have opinions on how they think things should be done, but it’s always easier to judge from the outside. It’s a whole different thing to be the one holding all the pieces, making the decisions, and carrying the weight when things fall through. That’s a pressure most people don’t understand until they’re in it themselves.

This is the journey I’m in. It’s not always polished. It’s not always balanced. But it’s mine. And even though it’s hard, I know I’m being refined in this space for something greater.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I’m excited for what’s still ahead.